September 28, 2022
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Which USFL mascot would win a Royal Rumble?

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Next to Wrestlemania, Royal Rumble has a case for the largest WWE event of each passing year — so much so that RJ Young and Ryan Satin decided to merge it with football.

Hear them out. 

Of the eight USFL mascots, which would have the best chance to defeat the rest in a brawl-for-it-all?

Young and Satin laid out their choices ahead of the USFL’s WWE night on Saturday.

Here’s their breakdown:

8. Dave the Wave — New Orleans Breakers

Young’s analysis: “I don’t really see this dude coming out on top. Even though he has these Hollywood muscles that make him really great for cutting promos, I don’t know about winning matches.”

7. Blob — Philadelphia Stars

Satin’s analysis: “I think Blob should be higher up honestly. I think the fact that it can just be a blob — it’s possible you might not be able to even tell if his feet are touching the ground.” 

6. Ace — Houston Gamblers 

Satin’s analysis: “I think cowboys have had a good run in pro wrestling. He’s got a cowboy vibe to him. He looks like he’s been a cowboy at times.”

5. Marty the Mauler — Pittsburgh Maulers

Young’s analysis: “He has an actual hammer, which counts for something. Is it a hammer like Thor’s? Does it have any magical properties that we don’t yet know about?”

4. Stanley the Stallion — Birmingham Stallions

Young’s analysis: “Stanley is a horse. I’m not sure about being on the mic. Maybe he has some Mr. Ed properties that we just don’t know about yet. But I do know that nobody wants to get hit in the face by a horseshoe.”

3. General Jersey — New Jersey Generals

Satin’s analysis: “I was wondering, is he allowed to wear the helmet during the match? Because that gives him a little big of an edge. That’s protection over the head.”

2. The Bayside Bandit — Tampa Bay Bandits 

Young’s analysis: “The mask over his face screams to me high-flyer. He probably comes out with a moonsault, or a 619 late to just try to end this thing and throw someone out of the ring.”

1. Pablo the Panther — Michigan Panthers

Satin’s analysis: “As happy as he looks when he’s on the prowl, I would never wanna be opposite of a panther inside of a pro wrestling ring.”


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